This is such a sensitive subject and a little personal but something that has been weighing on my mind and my heart so I feel like I need to blog about this for my own self.. Just a warning this may be long because my mind races 90 to nothing on this subject.
This time 9 years ago I was 7 month pregnant with our 1st child a little girl who would forever change our lives. I will never forget the day we found out we were having a baby. I had gone to the store and bought a pregnancy test and after 3 short minutes I saw 2 faint pink lines. My heart started beating like crazy so bad I thought oh my gosh this is the end I am having a heart attack. 7 pregnancy test later that were all positive I walked into the kitchen where Tony & Judy were cooking dinner with tears streaming down my face. All I could do was hold my hand out and ask what are we going to do? Looking back at Tony's answer now it was quite funny but I didn't find it amuzing at the time. He simply responded we are going to have a baby. My mind immediately turned to fear.. I can't do this I mean I am just a kid myself! Then the fear of when people find out what are they going to say about me? I mean I was by far from perfect but I didn't want people saying things about me because here I am 19 years old and pregnant. Once the shock of finding out we were going to be parents wore off the excitement of the thought of becoming someones Mom was like no other. Shortly after finding out we were having our sweet girl a song came out "There Goes My Life" and it is so true. The chorus says it all: There goes my life, there goes my future my everything, there goes my life. I heard people say you will know what it is like to have your heart walking outside your chest when you become a parent & they hit the nail on the head with that statement!
I always knew I wanted to be someone's Mommy since I was just a little girl. No one could have ever prepared me for the emotions I felt on Wednesday July 7th, 2004 at 9:56pm. At this very minute I learned what true love was as I met my beautiful blue eyed baby girl. This little girl changed everything for me at that very moment. How could such a small little girl bring such a huge life change? That night everyone that we love was there to welcome this blessing into the world with us. I still tear up thinking about all the people who not only love us but her too! So it was just us, God, and a new baby against the world...
Almost 9 years later we now have 3 beautiful children... Our journey as husband and wife/parents hasn't always been an easy one. There are days I have thought & even said from time to time I can't do this. I can't be everything to everyone. More times than not I find myself thanking God for the blessing of being a Mommy but also thinking they deserve so much than someone like me to be their Mom. Being a parent can be so rewarding but also a challenge. My oldest, Brooklyn Elizabeth, is a strong willed independent, smart, and sassy little firecracker. I often find we butt heads but everyone says it is because she is like my little mini me inside (Obviously her father on the outside).. Then there is our middle child, Dawson Andrew.. I find him driving me nuts because he is so wild and outgoing but yet he can be so sensitive, sweet, and funny at the same time. And our little caboose baby, Maycen Kate.. She is still so young but her personality is developing. She knows what she wants & she is going to get it, she is rotten, mischeivious and full of life. The rotten part is mostly my fault just because I am so grateful that God allowed us to bring her into this world. The worst scariest moment is hearing that you & your child could possibly die. I often find myself feeling guilty because I have yelled at them or been snippy with them because I am either stressed out, or tired, or often times overwhelmed, or just because they are being kids! I am always comparing myself to other kid's parents who seem to never yell at them, they are the perfect "PTO/Homeroom parent", or just seem to be the perfect parent to their kids. This also leads me to feel so inadequate as a parent because I want to be that parent! I want to be the parent who never raises their voice, who is understanding and patient, who is always involved everything at school, and the list goes on and on.. But in reality I am not this parent. I have to work a full time job, be a wife, be their Mommy. At times I just feel so overwhelmed with the fact I am 2 1/2 hours away from my family, from help, from my life 9 years ago. I may not be the "perfect parent" in other peoples eyes but there are a couple things I want my kids to always know #1) God WILL be the center of our family before anything else #2) They are loved more than they will ever know even in the times I feel frustration with them
So with that I am often reminded that no I am not a perfect parent or wife or friend or person. There was only 1 perfect person that walked this Earth and that isn't me! I read these verses today & I am working on striving to live these out.
Galatians 6:4 We love to want what everyone else has. Instead of focusing on ourselves and what God has blessed us with, we focus on what God has given everyone else.
2 Corinthians 12:9 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficent for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness, Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in y infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it
My commitment is to teach my kids the important things in life. It isn't about clothes, or money, or sports, or who has a nicer house or a nicer car it is about training them up in the way HE wants them to go. To send them boldly out into the world to tell about what HE was done for us not what their Mommy did when they were 8, 6, and 1.
Little Game of basketball
Not sure why he has a helmet guess his sister is rough!
Brooklyn ready to perform Do Re Mi
Coach & Myself
1st Science Project
New Outfit from Pink Coconut
Little partner in crime
Playing Blocks with Coach
Sweet Sisters
My 1st ice cream cone
